Jokes

* Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife’s’ sweet voice from the kitchen. “What would you like for dinner my Love? Chicken, beef or lamb?” I said, “Thank you, I’ll have chicken.” She replied “You’re having soup, asshole. I was talking to the cat.”

* You know, women are not allowed to have more than 5g of LAXA at a time? coz if they take too much, they get rid of all their shit and turn into men!

* Die dogtertjie klim boom saam met haar nefies. Haar ouma kom ontsteld uitgehardloop. ” Haai my kind!”, gil sy. “Ek het mos gesê jy mag nie boomklim saam met die seuns nie.” “Maar hoekom nie oumie?”, vra die dogtertjie. “Want hulle kyk vir jou pêntie!”. “Nee ouma, ” sê de dogtertjie met ‘n groot smile. “Hulle kan nie. Ek het my pêntie uitgetrek!”

* Koos and Piet are standing on the edge of a cliff, Koos has a budgie on his shoulder and Piet has a parrot, the next thing they both jump off and moer down hard while their birds both fly off. Koos, all twisted and broken says to Piet…”Fok, but this budgie jumping is sommer kak ne?” Pietie replies: “Ja, dis vokken parrotgliding too”

* My hubby & I have, what he calls-Olympic s*x. Friend: Wow, must be a terrific s*x life? Wife: Not really. It only happens once in 4 years.

* Koos walks on his farm and sees someone drinking water from a pool of water, he shouts: “Moenie die water drink nie dis vrot en vol kieme!!!” The man replies: “Sorry mate I am from Australia, I only speaks english” Koos replied: “Use boff hends, u can dwink betta then!”

*What do you do when your mother in law attacks you all bloodied? You stay calm, reload and shoot again…

* Don’t imagine you can change a man, unless he’s in diapers.

* There is a new pillon the market for depro Lesbians, its called TRYDIXAGAIN

* There was three girls and they all had boyfriends and separate rooms. The mom walked by all the rooms. The first room she hears laughing, the second room she heard screaming and the third was totally quiet. The mom was suspicious, so she asked the third girl why was she so quiet she replied, “My boyfriend said not to talk with my mouth full.”

* Why cant chinese couples have white babiez??? Coz 2 wongs dont make a white..

* What’s the most successful pickup line ever? A: “Does this smell like chloroform?”

* Kinky new Sex Position – The Rodeo: Her on her hands and knees. Mount from behind, arms around her, cupping a breast in each hand. Whisper in her ear: “Mmmm they fell just like your sister’s” Try stay on for 8 seconds.

* Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now

* It’s not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn’t have the balls to do it.

* Two prostitutes are standing on a corner. One says to the other, “Ever been picked up by the fuzz?” The other replies, “No, but I’ve been swung around by the tits.”

* What is the difference between a Drug Dealer and a Hooker? A Hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

* Die lewe is soos breiwerk. Eers as jy klaar is, kom jy agter hoeveel steke jy gemis het.

* Two penises walk into a bank saying this is a stickup. The bankclerk sounds the silent alarm. In comes Vibrator. One penis to the other … OH MY GOSHHH it’s ROBOCOCK

* Whats the definition of “Macho”? – Jogging home from your vasectomy…

* Why does santa have huge testicals? Coz he only comes once a year

* Wat kry as jy ‘n hiena en ‘n hond kruis… ‘n ding wat vi jou lag as hy jou klaar gebyt het

* Wat kry jy as jy ‘n kameelperd en ‘n hond kruis…. ‘n ding wat jou oor die draad kan byt

* Two drunks were walking home along the railway tracks.  The first drunk says, “There’s a hell of a lot of steps here.”  The second drunk says, “I’ll tell you what’s worse, this hand rail is bloody low down”

* Two Nuns were cycling down street. One Nun says to the other: I’ve never come this way before.” The other Nun replies: ” Oh, it must be the cobbles.”

* 2 little sperms swimming together, 1 says to the other, is it far to the ovaries? the other replies, fuckin miles mate, we’ve only just passed the tonsils!

* Research shows Men are fatter than Women because every night Men get fresh milk & 2 big papayas while Women only get 1 banana, 2 peanuts & 1 teaspoon of starch

* “Strap-on” is “no-parts” spelt backwards. Coincidence?

* Old lady goes to a dentist; sits down, drops panties, and lifts legs. He says, “I’m not a gynecologist!” She says, “I know, I need my husband’s teeth back!”

* What do u do when a blond girl throws a grenade at u??? U pull the pin out and throw it back!!!

* Old lady goes to a sex shop,shaking.Sir she says in a shaky voice do u sell vibrators??Yes ma’am,and are they this big around &this long?She asks in a shaky voice?Yes ma’am ,and are they 22.95?She asks?Yes ma’am,so tell me how do u turn em off?

* What’s the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

*  How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

*  What do Tupperware and a Walrus have in common? They both like a tight seal.

*  The Blonde creates a password for her work PC. It must be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital. So she uses “MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyWashington”

* Fastest means of communication : tele-phone,tele-vision,tell-a-woman

* How do you know you’re staying in a Brakpan Motel? When you call the front desk and say ‘I gotta leak in my sink’, and the clerk replies: ‘Go ahead’.

* A man sees a growth coming out from the center of his forehead & consults the doc.Doc tells him its a rare genetic disorder “penis growing out of his head,just wear a hat the doc says.The guy says every morning when i comb my hair or shave im goin 2 see a dick stinking out of my forehead,my poor ego..Doc says u wont see anything ur balls will be in ur eyes

* old lady on her death bed tells her husband 2 look under the bed and he will find a tin box.He gets tha box and inside there is 3 eggs and R49000 he asks whats this she says everytime we had bad sex i put a egg in,excited the guy says 3 eggs in 35years?Wow.And the money he asks?Wife says each time i had a dozen eggs i sold em

* A new Brakpan law was just recently passed… When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.

* woman goez 2 the doc with a cork screw in her fanny she tells the doc everytime i take it out my fanny shouts GO BULLS!! doc says dnt worry ma’am lots of dwises does that

* waarvoor staan VIAGRA???Vereeniging van ingekrimpte,afgetrede,gestremde,roerloose adders

* A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex, she spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles — something she loved to do. As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, “Why do you love doing that to me?” “Because…,” she smiled, “I miss mine..”

* Blond van Brakpan in die restaurant. Waiter: ‘Sop vir jou?’ Blondie gluur hom aan: “Sop vir jou ook boetie.”

* What is the difference between women and magnets ? A : Magnets have also positive side.

*  Moffie kom in slaghuis en vra die blokman vir n lang salami.die blokman vra of hy dit ma kan sny in skywe.waarop die moffie antw:lyk my hol vir  jou soos n cd player?

*   ‘n terroris stap by ‘n petshop in. Hy sit n bom op die toonbank neer en skree: “julle het 60sekondes om hier uit te kom!!!!” ‘ skilpad skree uit die agterkant van die winkel: “jis jy’s ‘n doos!”

*  What did the woman say to her swimming instructor?   A. “Will I really drown if you take your finger out?”

*  girl asks mom 2 help her spell penis!her mom says:u should have asked me last nite hun i had it on the tip of my tongue

*  Necrophelia: the overwhelming urge to crack open a cold one.

*  what did the banana say 2 the vibrator? Why are YOU shaking?ffs shes gonna eat me

* did you hear about the guy with 5 penises … his pants fit like a glove

* what do u get when u eat weed? A pot belly

* what did the hard boiled egg say 2 the boiling water?i cant get a hard-on coz i just got laid

* what did the one tampon say 2 the other?nothing they were both stuck up bitches

* what do u get when u mix lsd with birth control? A trip without the kids

* what did the cannibal do after he dumped his gf??he wiped his ass

* what does a good bar & a good woman have in common?liquor in the front &poker in the back

* whats the best way 2 force a man 2 do situps?put the remote control between his toes

* why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg?coz not one idiot will stop & ask for directions

* why do women love orgasms?coz it gives them another reason 2 moan

* words to ruin a man’s ego???       is it in???

* hkm is n blond soos n hondedrol??  hoe ouer sy is,hoe makliker is dit om haar op te tel

*  slim man +slim vrou=romanse slim man + dom vrou =swangerskap dom man + slim vrou =affair dom man + dom vrou =huwelik

* jy is darm n goeie man,”se die vrou.”jy hou die sambreel nog net so sorgsaam oor my as toe ons verloof was.trouens ek dink jy is nou selfs sorgsamer as destyds “dis heeltemal moontlik”antwoord haar man”want nou moet ek vir jou klere ook betaal!!

*  what do the mafia & a fanny have in common?ons slip of the tongue & ur in deep sh!t.

* vrou mense se wang spiere is so sterk,as hulle dikbek is hou dit selfs hulle bene toe

* A grasshopper walks into a bar, bartender says, “Hey we have a drink named after you.” Grasshopper says, “Really? You have a drink named Larry?”

* Two men are fishing on a riverbank when they see a funeral procession passing by. One of the men stands up, takes off his hat, and bows. “That was a very nice thing to do,” says the second man. “Well,” sniffles the first, “we were married for 25 years.”

* 2 gay ouens dans,en di 1 gay ou skree vi di ander gay ou,hukm as ek en jy di heeltyd dans kry jy n horing? Die ander gay ou se toe want jy dans soos n poepol!

*  good manners of the Penis, Courteous – it stands before performing, Emotional – it cries during the performance, Polite – it bows down after the performance.

*  why do men get their great ideas in bed???Coz they are plugged into a genius

*  whats the difference between erotic&kinky??? A:erotic is when u use a feather,kinky is when u use the whole chicken!!

* An old couple is sitting in church one morning, listening to a sermon, when the wife whispers, “I just let out a silent fart. What should I do?” Her husband whispers back, “Well, for starters, you can put a new battery in your hearing aid.”

* Op skool was ons nie n rugby span met n drank probleem nie, ons was n drank span met n rugby probleem.

*  die juffrou vra die klas:Watter groente laat jou oe traan? Jannie steek sy hand op en se, aartappels juffrou, die juffrou se: jannie, jy is verkeerd, dis uie, jannie tune die juffrou:was juffrou al in die eiers gegooi met n aartappel

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